No Sex Before Marriage Ruined Us

No sex before marriage ruined us

Celibacy Ruined Our Marriage

Before you ask, seven years. It was seven years before we married. Our no sex before marriage rule was upheld right to the night of our wedding. We were friends who fell in love and then went the distance… for seven whole years!

Happy coupleWe believed waiting would make our love stronger. Sex is a precious thing. It’s something to be savoured, respected, celebrated in the sanctity of marriage. There’s no better way to start out life than to do things by the book, by the way God had intended love to be.

It all started fine. It was true, abstaining from sex richened our relationship. We became good conversationalists and worked on many projects together. After all, there’s a lot more minutes in a day without sex than with it. Couples should be able to work together too, right? So we did that.

On paper it sounds really good, doesn’t it?

What went wrong is that it became a habit. Sex had been pushed so far away for so long that it never really came out. It was a painful experience, both emotionally and physically. Seven years struggling with awkward intimacy led to a mostly sexless marriage.

We took our problem to a doctor but the doctor found nothing. She suggested a counsellor would be of more help. For four more years, we struggled to broach a topic we had practiced to avoid. There were lots of tears. Hearts were broken many times over.

After eleven years of marriage, we decided to end those sessions… and the marriage itself. Our sexual differences had been revealed and there was no repairing the damage. We never had children and we haven’t spoken again, not since since we went our separate ways over a decade ago.

Post divorce.

Now that some time has passed, I believe that it’s important to pass on the knowledge I gained over the experience.

Sex isn’t a big deal. Love matters most but abstaining from sex doesn’t guarantee the quality of love. You either love someone or you don’t. No sex before marriage won’t change that fact but it certainly can hide crucial sexual issues, important things that will matter for the success of a life-long relationship. Holding back only holds back what you don’t know. I’m not suggesting that we all jump into bed at the first chance we get. That’d be ridiculous. What I’m saying is that celibacy can be unintentionally hurtful and destructive to a partnership, especially if it’s done for a long time, like we did.

Whatever your reasons for choosing celibacy, keep in mind my story. No sex before marriage is a nice ideal. It’s the stuff fairytales are made of. When it’s applied to flesh and blood people though, it comes with certain risks.



7 thoughts on “No Sex Before Marriage Ruined Us

  1. Don’t you confuse a condition helpful for a successful and holy marriage with one sufficient for it? Do you think because your marriage didn’t work out that you can blame it on following God’s design for abstinence before marriage? This seems a stupendous logical leap.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, thanks for writing.

      I’m not confusing anything, this brings relevant issues together through personal experiences. It’s up to the responsible reader to extract the information neccessary to assist them if found in a similar situation.

      Abstinence isn’t God’s design. That offering comes from the Church – through it’s twisted wish to control their flock via prescribed procreation. It ensures its tithe and the people in power remain.

      In the 1300’s, the Church proclaimed that it was God’s Design not to allow minor chords to be played by musicians. This law was in place for several hundred years.

      A hundred years later, the Inquisition took God’s Design across Europe, exterminating anyone who didn’t agree with it, with those who interpreted and administered it.

      Before that ridiculousness took over, Priests, Bishops, Popes and ALL clergy could be married, have sex, anytime, any place, anywhere, including before mass. Women were allowed to be Priests… and then the Church saw a different God’s Design… and that’s been changing every day.

      God doesn’t say ‘no sex before marriage’, that’s an interpretation Church has provide of a translation of scripts written a very long time ago. The word ‘Marriage’ is not even accurate. It’s only the closest word we have in modern English to decribe an ancient coupling. The fact is, there are many ways to couple and very many ways to write about it, not just then but now.

      A church wasn’t needed to seal a ‘marriage’. No clergy, no vestments, no praying, certificate, or promise to walk in the path of Christ – Christ hadn’t arrived and died yet.

      Church advised celibacy is poor teaching. God never designed such a thing.


      • In the first place, stating purity is not God’s design as intimated in the Bible requires either ignorance of the Bible or an intentional disregard for its principles. There are ample Scriptures condemning premarital sex. I can understand how people would want to disregard those principles, but it turns out God wasn’t being arbitrary in giving us the user’s manual on the act He created.

        Second, if it’s a device intended for control, it’s an absurdly ineffective one. Look at the statistics.

        No, diminished fifths were not banned by the church, that’s an urban myth.

        But with each sentence, you’ve navigated in a completely different direction from the guise of your opening gambit: “Actually, God and the Bible are okay with sex” and you’re morphing all of Christianity into your preferred history. You can argue against the faith as much as you like, but in doing so, you lose the supposed high ground of being one of its denizens.

        There’s every lustful desire in the world wanting us both to believe you’re right. Except, those who argue in favor of virtue argue against their baser self and instincts. Look at who benefits.


      • I’ll agree to disagree.

        Scripture, like all texts, canons, letters, etc, that made it (and those that did not) make it into the Bible/s (and its many versions over the centuries) are written, translated, edited, published by humans who are inherently corrupt. Modern professional reporters can’t accurately write a piece of news that happened 5mins ago without adding a slant that leans towards social opinion, political fashion, an advertiser, their boss’s direction, etc.

        I claim that Scripture is tainted by the best of human’s worst habits.

        Urban myths that have their roots in the dark ages: The Church had their hands on everything, literature, science, politics, the arts, etc. If you say they spared music, then so be it. You have Faith… logic need not apply.

        On sex: It’s a natural act. Every culture has it, including those who have never heard of God, Christianity, The Scriptures… and they manage sex just fine. Many have been managing it longer than there’s been Scripture ready to read, preach or teach. Purity is man-manufactured. Shame and guilt are mixed together to create fear. Fear controls the fearful.

        Like I said, I’ll agree to disagree.


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