The Closeted Asexual: Lies in the Bedroom.
It’s easy to confuse scenes like these. One would easily assume that this couple is happy, sexy and fertile but this isn’t the case. One of them is a closeted asexual and doesn’t know it. In time, this will cause a rift to grow in their relationship and, if things don’t change, it will damage their relationship irreparably. It may ruin their lives in the long term.
Ironically, open and mixed-sex lifestyles have had so much air time lately that simple heterosexuality sounds comparatively pedestrian. There are images of sex everywhere. We’re led to believe that if you’re not getting any of that sexual magic you’re not living life properly. So when we read something about asexuality in the media, we’re instantly confused by it. We say to ourselves: “WTF!”
What is a closted asexual?
First we have to understand what asexual is. In loose terms: A person who is not sexual, that is, someone who has no interest in sex. A closeted asexual is one who has not yet accepted their sexuality type but often tries to live a life they believe would satisfy others. They act sexual to produce an appealing behaviour for friends and to look normal.
It’s a conundrum. Everyone tells us what love should be like and we grow up modelling our lives on that belief. As children, we read books and listen to adults tell us what is right and wrong but what happens if it doesn’t all fall into place when we cross over and become adults?
There aren’t too many regular examples of asexuality in this world. Romance from the rafters comes first and foremost. Even gay, transexual and pansexual lifestyles are having their moment in the sun. But what about those who don’t need any sex at any point? is there an acceptable standard for asexuals?
It sounds too unbelievable to be real, right? It sounds more like a disease or something. It’s no wonder that the closeted asexual can remain contained for life, spending all their energy on denying asexuality, making the perfect marriage perfect, raising perfect children and living typical but awkwardly managed sexual lifestyles.
About one percent of community is asexual. That’s about equal to same-sex relationships. Given that there is little asexual awareness, it’s possible that the closeted asexual statistic is quite high, often misinterpreted as something else like a low libido or poor sex drive. Few asexuals would raise their hand and admit that sex isn’t for them. Most would blame something or someone for their lack of interest in sex.
And then there are the knockers, those who disbelieve asexuals. They say the problem stems from a bad sexual encounter or not finding the right lover to have good quality sex with. It parrots the criticism heterosexuals used to give to same-sex couples a decade or two ago. It puts blame elsewhere rather than accepting a truth. That truth is: some people are born NOT to have sex. It’s shocking to say it’s so… but it’s absolutely true. We must be prepared for it. Ignoring it doesn’t help hetero, gay, bi, pan or asexuals alike.
The SEETHINGS narrative depends on one closeted asexual’s beliefs to sustain the tension within the book. It relies on three key factors: 1. A Asexuality doesn’t exist, 2. Heterosexuality is normal, 3. Boy/girl stereotype leads to marriage happiness.
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‘Forman’s writing style is artful, with the protagonist Mitchell’s warped thought processes masterfully exposed. The author has a powerful and vivid command of language and his word pictures are stark and disturbingly real.’ – Linda J Bettenay, author of ‘Secrets Mothers Keep’ and ‘Wishes For Starlight’