My new IKEA war.

Another flat-pack-attack monster! We do battle again!

It’s been a year since my last war with the flat-packs. Slitting boxes to reveal the guts of our soon-to-be kitchen set came but one year ago and we won it fair and square. I thought it was over. This time was supposed to be one for peace. Margo says: ‘How about a new desk?’
Honestly, I’ll use any place to write anything. Give me a plank spread between two boxes and a working powerpoint somewhere nearby and I’m happy. I’ve worked inside yachts, park benches, off the back of our utility… I don’t care… but IKEA had a sale on and Margo wanted a new mission!
I don’t LOVE IKEA but I do like browsing through its stores. To be honest, I’m more fascinated with it’s DIY product model and the way it markets that model to the public. People WANT to make their own furniture if it means saving a few dollars! And it works!
So I did work. I worked… all yesterday. I spent a lot of time assembling my new black multi-story monument to yet another flat-pack conquest.
Not all of these wars are easily won though.
They say an allen-key is the only weapon you’ll need to conquer the Swede’s flat-pack army. BULLOCKS!
What they fail to mention is all the other weapons that are actually required to overcome this foe:
  • Patience
  • Strong Vocabulary
  • Glass of Wine
  • Ability to Translate ‘Cartoon’
  • Entire Room to Spread Contents
  • Screwdriver, hammer and pliers
  • Bandaids
  • Another Glass of Wine.
  • Sense of Humour
  • Spare Day of Assembly (if needed)
IKEA’S cartoons sometimes have me in stitches. The fat-flat-pack-man in the instructions says ‘don’t do this’ but ‘do that’ or else you’ll be in trouble. His back always breaks when he lifts things that are way too heavy. You’d think he’d have learnt by now!
Identifying the pieces in the packet the fat-man describes is where I come unstuck. One bit of laminated board with two holes in its end and three down one side is okay until… I find another three pieces in the flat-pack that seem to look very much the same. Only one will work but nobody says the other two are decoys. It’s outrageously clever… for a war!
A third glass of wine helps to reassess strategies.
Did you know that IKEA now has an accessory for it’s allen key!
That’s right bitches and bastards (equality for all because I’m fair)! You don’t know anything about how to defend yourself if you know nothing about the new ‘accessory’ made for allen keys. Allen keys aren’t all the same!
Allen keys were once highly predictable. They used to parade around naked. That was okay. I knew my enemy by how it looked. Now it’s starting to blend-in. It’s become all High-Tech and I can’t tell who’s friend or foe anymore!
It looks like something an allen key tourist might wear when he’s out and on holidays. He may be a piece of space-age Meccano. He may be a new piece of after-five Lego, I don’t know. The propaganda says something about leverage and comfort but I think it’s just a ploy. Deception isn’t new to the art of warfare. We all have to be on the lookout today!
It turned out to be a battle-jacket. It was strong and suitably formidable. He fought well but I won. I won and I saw through his silly black overcoat with a super-duper power secret of my own: My drill.
Tomorrow I will pick through my enemy’s bones. Today… I’ll rest. I’ll rest and write this in peace.
Yours resting in peace,

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